Calling out somebody save me I feel like I’m fading away/Am I gone?

I’ve been doing more contemplating over the past couple of days and I’m still stuck at the same crossroads. I honestly don’t know what the best thing to do is right now, not for me and especially not for the other person/people involved. I almost feel selfish, and some people might say that I am self-centered or inconsiderate for even letting those thoughts cross my mind, but there’s really nothing I can do about it and I’ve tried but I can’t do a thing to change the way I’m feeling about it. 

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the past few months because I do, and in some ways I find that all that could have been the best thing that happened to me in a long time. It’s not that I’ve suddenly had a change of heart because I didn’t. It’s not that I don’t want to hold on to it any longer because I want it to work out and I’ve been trying to make that happen for some time now. 

I don’t want to give up on everything now because I know I’d be missing out on something truly awesome. 

Maybe I’ve changed; I think I have. I’m definitely not the same person as I was last year; I don’t particularly like the person I have morphed into and I wish the old me will come back soon because I miss her. 

I’m so sick and tired of everything now, I don’t want to pretend anymore, but I don’t want to make how I really feel known either because I know that it’ll only mess things up even more and things are already screwed up as it is. 

It’s not that I don’t feel it anymore, it’s just that the way I feel has changed. Everything feels different now, and try as I might, I can’t make things go back to the way they were. 

I’m sorry. I’m trying, but it isn’t easy. Give me time and I’ll try to work things out. I promise. 

:(

This has been so incoherent and disjointed. Don’t bother asking me or guessing what or who I’m referring to. Chances are, you won’t be able to figure it out anyway.

A little more and I’ll fall of the planet entirely

When something goes wrong but everyone involved chooses to ignore it and pretend that nothing happened instead, does it mean it never did?

The events of the past week or do have hit me, hard. It’s true that you’ll never know just how much something means to you until you come so close to losing it forever. It’s true that whatever goes around just comes back around. It’s true that when it all comes down to it, you can never really trust anybody.

I’ve come to realise that it really is all about keeping up with appearances here. 

And it’s true that the people who make you cry the most are the ones that you hold closest to your heart, because they’re the only ones who know where you feel the most pain.

With my deadbeat sky, this town doesn’t look the same tonight

Shout to the North touch rugby (or touch football) carnival, in short: 

After which it was The Coffee Bean with Kim, where I ordered Malibu Dream (yuck, I’m never ordering it ever again). More photos on Facebook soon!

I ♥ ACS(I) TOUCH RUGBY. 

Leave the edge and fly/We’re finally alive

Just a short quick post to say: 

Happy Seventeenth Birthday, Eugenia! ♥

And that it was Cross Country today, and I managed to come in 3rd for Open Girls’ (Individual) even though I only trained for this once last Monday during PE with Joshua so thank you :) Oh and LSG also came in 3rd overall for Open Girls’ (Team) so YAY, we’re going to own even more next year. 

Photos on Facebook/later.

Lipstick lullabies and “sorry” for the last time

School has been pretty insane; and according to Amanda Sun, we all have IB Eyebags from sleeping 3 hours every night trying to finish our work. 

But anyway this morning we had some Australian Math Competition thing and I couldn’t do so many questions that I gave up halfway and started guessing them instead (note to self: start revising Math. Don’t fail it again next term!). Anyhow, the questions were really random and weird and I noticed that the setter had some strange obsession with the number 2008. Okay probably because it’s the year, but to have it appear in every other question is just odd. So I’m probably going to get a “Certificate of Participation” for this but it isn’t my fault I wasn’t in tune with the abstract Math concepts in the questions. 

It isn’t my fault, though. 

During PC we went to the computer lab and had to do this Multiple Intelligence test online to find out our personal strengths/weaknesses etc. My results were rather expected I guess; with Linguistic (49 points out of maximum 50) abilities ranking the highest, followed by Musical (44 points). What ranked the lowest was of no surprise to me at all - Mathematical (16 points). It makes me wonder why the heck I’m taking HL Math but oh well I am going to improve on my grade by Finals. 

Cross Country tomorrow! Running competitive is going to be quite fun I think, cross fingers that I’ll be able to run fast enough.

They lied when they said that the good die young

It takes two people to make a lie work: the person who tells it, and the one who believes it. You can invent any fiction and call it a life; if you do it often enough, you might start to believe it.

Sometimes, when you don’t ask questions, it’s not because you are afraid that someone will lie to your face. 

It’s because you’re afraid they’ll tell you the truth.

Protected: Parted by desire for the strange and new

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Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through

I came this close to being forced to drop HL Math and take another subject in its place instead today. And although I was eventually allowed to continue offering this subject (”but only if you prove that you can improve to at least a 4 by end of years, if not, you’ll be forced to drop the subject and might have to repeat Year 5“),  the whole thing was pretty scary and reminded Eugenia and I of show trials. 

OKAY EVERYBODY, ON THIS PIECE OF PAPER I WANT YOU TO WRITE DOWN WHY YOU ARE DROPPING HIGHER LEVEL MATHEMATICS, AND WHICH STANDARD LEVEL SUBJECT YOU WANT TO PUSH UP TO A HL. There was no arguing or protesting. Only later on did they concede and allow us to write appeal notes instead. And so I managed to convince the deputy principal to let me continue taking HL Math, and now I have a shitload of catching up to do. 

I need to find a good Math tutor, because everyone knows its impossible to learn very much in my current Math class. 

Schoolwork’s starting to pile up all over again, and it’s sad that I’m morphing into an IB no lifer. I hate it when everything accumulates until I look at the To-Do List on Stickies and realise I have fifty thousand assignments, presentations and IAs due the next week. 

On another note, I collected my contacts today and, gosh, I haven’t worn these in ten thousand years. They almost feel weird; and I have to get used to strange foreign objects in my eye all over again.

Life isn’t suffocating/Air isn’t overrated

Release of midterm exams results today. 

I can’t say I did well because I didn’t. I can’t say I’m at all pleased with my grades in general because I’m not. 

I guess I can safely say that I could have done so much better had I done more actual studying during the June vacation instead of spending so much time on going out and having fun. Enjoying myself when I should be at home getting some real work done doesn’t pay off at all. It’s my fault. I don’t even have to make any excuses for the lack of good grades  (I have a lousy teacher/The questions weren’t in syllabus/I had brainfreeze in the exam hall because of the aircon/etc) because there’s no one to blame but myself. If I had put in a little more effort in my studies I could have done so much better; I wouldn’t have to look at my less-than-desirable score and kick myself for fucking up so badly in my first actual exam in IB. I’m more pissed off with the fact that I have do deal with “what ifs” and can only imagine how things would have turned out differently if I studied and did well than anything else. 

Now I know that slacking doesn’t cut it in IB and that I have so damn much to catch up on for the rest of the semester. There’ll be no more spending the entire weekends out to shop/watch movies/partying/going out in general. There’ll be no more procrastination. There’ll be no more slacking off when I know I have a shitload of work to complete. 

This is going to be so damned hard. 

I cannot do this alone. 

Help me. 

Tape on windows, wintertime was hell

I like Thursdays in general. 

But we have so much work to do that it kind of ruins everything and takes all the enjoyment, if any) out of school completely. And it’s really annoying how, after ticking things off my “To-Do” list on Stickies, I have to include more assignments and presentations and essays to be handed in within the next week. 

Anyway, I might have some second thoughts on going for SingFest08. I really want to go for Day 1 because I personally think the lineup is better in spite of it being cheaper than Day 2. But I can’t make it on that Saturday and now I don’t even know whether I want to go at all anymore because the thought of not being able to spend any money until I pay Tham back for the tickets is quite frightening. 

And I might have to drop HL Math in the event that I don’t do well for the midterm exam. Which, in my opinion, is probably going to be the case. On the way home today I was having a somewhat heated discussion with E Jin and Joshua about it because Jin thought I should drop Math and do HL Econs instead but Joshua told me that I cannot do that, at any cost. According to him, SL Econs is hard enough (and this is true). 

Darn. 

Moment to remember

(We were talking about how whether leg hair on men is sexy or repulsive)

E JIN: I think leg hair is pretty sexy! (Then he proceeds to roll up his pants and show us his, erm, hairiness.)

ME: Yuck. 

E JIN: Whaaat? I think too much hair is better than no hair at all. 

JOSHUA: I have no leg hair! 

EUGENIA: I think too little leg hair is better than having too much. 

E JIN: Oh so you like guys with less leg hair?

EUGENIA: Yeah of course.

JOSHUA: (At the same time) Oh me too! 

ME: HUH? 

E JIN: HAHA JOSHUA LIKES GUYS WITH LESS LEG HAIR. 

Anyway, the point is, Joshua was gaying out (again, haha) apparently he asked him mom whether it was okay for guys to shave their legs or not which was omega hilarious because he has no leg hair to speak of. 

And please don’t ask me why we were even having this conversation at all. It’s a moderately embarrassing topic to talk about in public, but a rather mild one by our standards. (You should listen to us when we start talking about certain topics,  it can get pretty out of hand.) 

Oh, how I love my class :) 

 

/EDIT: 

I was going to insert a nice photograph of the few of us here, but couldn’t find any which didn’t have any missing people in them. This is preposterous. We need to take a few lot of photos together, asap.